Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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