I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
