My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
