I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Randomize
