he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
