First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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