I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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