If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
