she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
