Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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