My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.