watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?