Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
