My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
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just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
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When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".