My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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