only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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