A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
