I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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