Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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