I want to walk on stilts...naked
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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