I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
