when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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