I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
