Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
