bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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