You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
