this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
