I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
