maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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