I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
