My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
