Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
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