If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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