i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
