I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
