Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
