Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
