Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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