I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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