Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
