Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
