This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
