Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
