I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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