it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
