It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
