Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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