worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You need a sexual gate keeper
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
