My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
