Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
A+ Viking dick
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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