i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
