yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Randomize
