you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
