okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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