I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
