i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
