I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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