It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
