Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
