I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
