capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
