By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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