Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
