you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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