i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
